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| This is not something I am supposed to say, or think.
for a very long time, I assumed that I could be happy once I was better.
I got better, I'm not happy.
everything that I was afraid of, everything the eating disorder protected me from has happened.
those things included not knowing myself, not caring about anything other than myself, having to make decisions, (and making wrong ones sometimes), being vulnerable to people and them leaving me, betraying me, hurting me. Fighting with my mom, fighting with friends, having opinions that make people angry, FINDING OUT I AM AN UGLY PERSON, caring about people, becoming invested in people who stop loving me, not knowing how to explain myself, not being able to write or think coherently. not being talented, unique, special.
I have joy in my relationship with Jesus and in the fact that I am a child of God and I am taken care of and loved more than I can comprehend, but I am not happy. And I think before I was better, I had hope, trust that I would strive towards Better and once I got there, I would be Happy.
But maybe the most fulfilling time of my life was when I was on the journey to become Better, when I was constantly taking steps to improve myself, improve my existence. Now I'm just kind of stagnant. Growing in my faith but not really learning or challenging myself or overcoming anything.
so the distractions, like fernie and justin, are huge to me.
whereas before, the disorder was all-encompassing, and fernie and justin would have little power over me and my emotions.
does anyone relate??
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| so this is just for christine.
i don't even know how to write about my life anymore.
so on friday, amanda and i were at the mall, and i saw fernie and iggy (his brother) walking in the same direction that we were turning. for some reason i thought that it would be easier if amanda and i were in front of them, so i told amanda that we have to hurry up because there's fernie and iggy and we cant be behind them. so she is barefoot carrying very large boots in her hand and we're walking really fast and they're behind us which is really awkward because, really, how does this even happen? ha. it would have been the more logical decision to turn around and go back into JC Penney. so we stop at the asian men who were offering free sample massages (because i think i wanted to not be controlled by fernie's presence so stopping would be a good way of proving to myself that i could do that) and they walked past us and fernie said "hey steph" in a tone that was more like "why haven't you said hi to me yet, i'm insulted!"
but then he just kept walking.
sooo i was really angry because i thought about how little respect he thinks i deserve and how he can just act like everything is okay when everything is in fact not okay and whatever, so thennn amanda and i left the mall and went to school for the play. and he called. ha it was the weirdest thing ever seeing his number on my phone. i thought it had to be a mistake. so here's pretty much how our conversation went... (and there will be some mistakes haha i'm just paraphrasing) :
S:hello?
F: hi steph, its fernie
S: ... yeah
F: well, i enjoyed seeing you today
S: uhhh, okay?
F: i just thought i'd call
S: you just thought you would call? after three months?
F: well, yeah. i wanted to apologize. i'm sorry.
S: .. okay.
F: so, do you have anything to say?
S: ha, yeahhh i do. I don't know what you think of me, fernie, or how you feel about me, or how unworthy of respect you think i am, but i think your excuse for friendship is crap, and i deserved a MUCH better friend than you EVER were to me.
F: i know. there's not excuse. I was just... well, this last time, i was just scared.
S: .. which is your excuse every time.
F: I know. steph, i don't care how much you say you're afraid of me, i am more afraid of you.
blahhh this is hard to do the whole dialogue thing so basically he said that he was stupid for ever wanting more than a friendship with me, because that ruined everything and he missed out on a really great friend because of it and i said yeahhh and then he just said he's sorry and he stopped answering his phone because he was afraid of what i would say to him and then he told me that if i have anything to say i can call but i told him i wouldn't call but he can feel free to call me if he has anything to say.
sooo yesterday i was eating lunch with my parents and he called which i didn't expect but i missed the call so i went into the bathroom to call him back and he told me he just called to tell me that i don't have to put up with him, and he's sooo sorry for all the problems he's caused and that i don't have to accept that apology but he wanted to say it anyway. and i told him that i had a lot to say but i would have to say it later because i had to go and i would call him back. ohhh and he said that he just hopes that i don't wish we had never met, and i told him that no, i don't wish we never met.
so later, i called him back and i said that i forgive him, and i forgave him a long time ago, and i know that people do things for reasons and i don't know what his reasons were or are, and i don't know if they were malicious or if he had good intentions or if he came back for the sole purpose of humiliating me and then leaving and he said "steph, do you really think i would do that?" and i said honestly, i don't have any idea. i'd like to think you wouldn't, but i have no reason to believe otherwise. and he said well no, that wasn't his intention, he just got really scared. and he asked me what i wanted to say to him when he stopped answering his phone and i said "that i was done. that i deserved better than how you were treating me. that i knew you were lying, even though i didn't know about what, and i wasn't going to be lied to anymore."
and yeahhh. and he told me that he felt rejected because i made him think that this time i would say yes to being his girlfriend and then i said no (which i totally didnt, and i explained to him that everything i said no to him about, like kissing, and being his girlfriend, wasn't a no, it was actually a "i'm afraid to disappoint you") and he said that he thought i did that on purpose, that i meant to make him think it would be okay and that i wanted him, and then reject him. he thought i was malicious. and then he said something about how he misses his friend and how a relationship between us was a bad idea and it always has been and always will be and "i know, that 'my girlfriend stephanie' will never happen, but i really want 'my friend stephanie' back."
and sooo yeah. i told him that even though i forgave him that doesnt mean i trust him or believe a word he's saying and he said yeah, he deserves that.
soo thats pretty much it.
he hasn't called today.
ha yeah so i don't knowww
i'd write more if i knew any of my thoughts but i don't. all i know is i hate justin and i hate brittney and i want a husband. and fernie is whatever. hes pretty much insignificant.
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| I don't care all that much anymore.
but I act like I have so much desire, like I am so in love,
which makes me feel affected?
I'm getting confused.
and Bukowski makes me want to cut out my ovaries and do something with my life.
something more than look for a man,
or wait for a man to find me.
God is protecting my heart even though I have been practically non-compliant.
I'm not sure if this is wrong or not,
but I do know that it hurts.
I also know that I have been taught a lot, by him.
I don't really know anything except that I'm playing lots of games which I usually win if I try hard enough, but lately I've been losing because I don't want to seem like I care.
I don't really know what constitutes winning or losing anymore.
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| i am terrified.
but there was a time when this felt safe.
why am i so scared?
am i ever going to find what i want, be treated how i deserve to be treated?
maybe i am right now, maybe not.
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| how significant is it that his voice feels like home?
and that he's the only person with whom i feel completely safe,
and the only person whose opinion i care about?
this is something comforting, something to sleep on like a pillow at night.
i couldn't have asked for anything more.
except maybe less distance of course.
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